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I read many different blogs, particularly in the fundraising and marketing fields. One of my favorite is an old college friend who became one of the marketing gurus of our age, Seth Godin. Seth not only has a great perspective to share on business and marketing, but his perspectives on life are pretty special too.

But in one of his latest posts, a partial tribute to his mother specifically done not on Mother’s Day, Seth notes that his mother didn’t like Mother’s day because:

she pointed out that anytime you do something because you’re supposed to, or because everyone else is doing it, it’s not worth as much. Flowers the week before or a nice poem the day after were priceless compared to the trudge to the restaurant on the appointed day.

I used to think the same way as Seth’s mom. Then I learned the Jewish teaching that something done out of obligation is a greater mitzvah, a greater good deed or commandment, than something you do out of free choice.

It seems rather odd when viewed through the lens of the modern world. Aren’t random acts of kindness one of the highest ideals in our society? Isn’t that encouraging word, the poem, the flowers given on a day where you are not obligated to do so a greater gift?

Perhaps it is a greater gift to do the nice thing when it is unexpected. But, nevertheless, the Talmud teaches us that it is no substitute for the real thing, that is, doing it when you are supposed to do it.

When I was younger, whenever I came across Jewish teachings that made no sense to me, I rejected them. After all, Reform Judaism teaches that we should do the mitzvot that are meaningful to us and it is o.k. to drop the ones that are not. As I grew older and learned more, I realized that if I disagreed with a teaching from the Jewish tradition, perhaps it was my frame of reference that was flawed.

After all, my values came from my parents who were not particularly well versed in Jewish law and tradition, from my teachers in the public schools who were mostly Christian, and from my friends and colleagues who were not observant Jews either. Hmmm, maybe there is something to learn from a tradition that has survived 3000 plus years.

So why would the Talmud teach that is a greater mitzvah to do something out of obligation than it is to do so out of mere goodwill?

As I understand the answer, it is that if we do it out of obligation, the odds are that much greater that we will continue to do it and we will do so regularly. Thus instead of random acts of kindness, Jewish tradition teaches us to make acts of kindness a regular part of our day, not random, and not just when we feel like it. Instead of giving charity because it feels good, we must give tzedakah (loosely translated as charity but literally translated as justice) because it is just to give to those in need whether we feel like it or not.

And as much as we might not like to honor Mom on Mother’s Day because it seems too commercialized, we should do it then. Of course we should also do it every other day as well. After all, the Torah doesn’t teach us that we have to love our parents, but it does teach that we must “honor your mother and your father.”

I suppose I didn’t do that well enough when Mom was alive; do any of us? I hope I made up for it a little bit during the 11 months I said kaddish for her everyday. A chronicle of that journey and a resource I hope will benefit all Jews in mourning can be found at http://KaddishJournal.com. It is now a community journal for anyone to share thoughts, memories, and the pain and love of loss. You don’t have to visit it, but if you do feel obligated to, it might influence you to do so on a regular basis.

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